i hate my husband because of his mother

I'm laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger. The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. , RedRoverRedRover Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and failed marriages. The suddenly MIL has the money clear out of the blue to help with finances after they buy a house when she clearly didnt have the money to do so in her own place? Aubrey Ray These differences tend to clash when you dont compromise and make individuals incompatible. 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. Its not easy, but its necessary. Imagine how shocking it is to hear some wives say, I hate my husband so much. What could be the reason for this statement, and what can you do? Effective and intentional communication cant be overemphasized. Built in babysitter/dogsitter right next door! Its really not that hard. Im literally days away from my due date and my blood pressure has been going up. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. . what were you doing on the counter?) But, man like Taramonster said the LW doesnt seem compassionate at all. makes you sound super petty and ridiculous. Wendy, I think your column was great advice for this letter writer. You dont get to complain about the free place youve been crashing in for however many months, no matter how much deep cleaning you had to do to make it livable. I want to know how messed up the husband is from how shitty of a mother he had. However, it doesnt always work like that. It can happen very rapidly, one day everything is fine then the person is injured and in the hospital and when released they are discharged. ChickenNugget Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. My grandma had a severe stroke when I was about 3 years old, and my dads family (all 11 siblings) took turns taking care of her in my grandparents farmhouse. And honestly if a post stroke victim is living in shitty conditions maybe you can be a little more compassionate? Thank her for her suggestions and make your own decisions as a parent. You might hate your husband when he does something you dont like. A man who is close to his mother is not a mother's boy in a negative way. I wouldnt either (especially with her issues with falls and a newborn). Who the fuck cares? Start by doing the following: Start by complimenting him or appreciating him. Sounds like your husband is trying to make good on his promise (though his motives dont sound great). Like, angled so that the blade was over the edge of the counter, almost parallel to the counter. However, dont dwell much on it. Nobody has said that she has an easy life, all of us understood she is having a hard time, but, I dont know, just her tone and the way she talks about the woman whos helped her and plans to ditch her, makes me feel like she is really entitled. But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. However, you will stop hating your husband when you acknowledge your role in the situation. Id suggest putting a child gate across the door to grandmas room but grandma might not be able to open and close it and certainly doesnt sound able to step over it. In essence, you can hate something or someone you love from time to time when things dont go your way. If hes trying his best to make you happy, the least you can do is to appreciate him. Youll need to come up for a plan for the next ten years about how youll plan to continue to help your mother in law with her care, and what your game plan is as a family. To pay for a home she would need to sell her house. But you need to get over yourself and recognize that your husband is stepping up and doing the right thing by caring for his ailing mother. June 18, 2015, 1:43 pm. She was conscious and present, but she physically had difficulty even just doing that. Hiring live in care, or convincing your MIL to move to an assisted living center nearby where she can be taken care of by people who are equipped to do so may be the most benefical to everyone, particularly her. Oh, come on. Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. From your original comment I wouldnt have known. My Sisters and I Are Fighting Over My (Living) Mothers Money. BLOG. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. Some women got attracted to their husbands because of their looks and physical attribute. June 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I like Wendys response. Sometimes, we place immense expectations and responsibilities on our partners. One thing you should know that being married to a husband attached to his mother is not always a bad thing. And I wasnt even the primary care giver! Marriage brings two individuals in love together. Promise or no, he does not owe allegiance to his mother OVER them. Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. He learned this strategy early in childhood, often from a harsh and abusive or guilt-inducing . honeybeenicki I will add that I dont think it is wise to buy a house she cant afford. Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of Wendys ideas? Its a great setup but hard to get into, no? Even life is full of ups and downs. * This is particularly if he cannot seem to function without his mother. June 18, 2015, 11:21 am. Well how nice of you to presume to know that about me. I told him two weeks ago I don't love him and I just can't stand him. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. Work on building a positive relationship and focusing on the good . The thing is if she wasnt happy she should have moved out. We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. Ok. No problem. My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3411865/, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263492646_His_and_her_marriage_expectations_Determinants_and_consequences, https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/how-thoughtful-communication-can-improve-your-marriage-according-divorce-attorney-ncna872661, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/226267616_Dysfunctional_relationship_beliefs_in_marital_conflict, What to do when you dont like your husband, 18 likely reasons why you hate your husband, 5 helpful ways to stop hating your husband, Spice up Your Day With Cute Relationship Memes for Your Partner, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 50 Best Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. It can pave the way for a better relationship. Yes, she needs to reframe this and not leave her MIL out to dry, but FFS, shes pregnant and stressed and dealing with a horrible situation. May 9, 2022 by by Eh, somebody would probably be far less stressed out (and hopefully much less bitchy) had she NOT decided to have yet another baby while both she and her husband are, apparently unemployed, broke, oh, and uh, homeless. If someone provides you a free place to live complaining about them makes you look like a jerk. Hate is a strong word. I hate my husband. something random Plus, she has unhealthy hygiene (like, she only bathes once a week and sometimes does not wash her hands before putting them in shared food like chips or shredded cheese), and she lets her dog, who stays cooped up in her room all day, use puppy pads that she keeps until either my husband and I complain about the smell. I think it is important the letter writer is honest with herself and her husband about this before they commit to buying a house. Ultimately, your husband has to decide to change. Hey MIL, I am a little concerned because of your health problems about the safety of the baby, but Id love if youd help with XYZ when you can and if you want to. Never asked her husband how she was, what her life was like, how she was managing living alone, post-stroke? Same advice as to what she should do, but different tone. It does not have to be living with her. Mike tries to be easygoing but she's a champion button pusher. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? It wont make him change, and guess what? Just really need to rant. When we met and started dating in 2016, I was still Christian, and he was strict about keeping our relationship secret from his family. 5. June 18, 2015, 10:11 am. I loved this response! And we even asked a contractor about the possibility of putting in an internal door in the future just in case. Her husbands promise isnt a promise, its a life sentence. Or did one of you already live in one and when the other one came up you bought it? Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Having worked with many stroke patients, the behaviour described sounds very typical. I have made my concerns clear to my husband that I do not want her living with us when we move out. The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. I dont remember much of it since I was so young, but from what I hear now as an adult it was really difficult to physically be able to take care of her. I mean seeing all that T&A surely must have messed him up. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. I screamed to avoid throwing something like my phone at his face, or my fist at the wall. It would be best to intensify your effort to draw your partner closer in marriage. We made long-term goals together like engagement, marriage, kids, the whole 9. Raccoon eyes Your spouse had children before he or she met you. Besides, hating your husband is just like when you blurt out, I hate this car! when it refuses to start during a rush hour. Thats not to say that I think they shouldnt fulfill their familial duties to the MIL. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. I have mentioned that I love living now? He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. This is likely how she will always be, and she will likely require heavy amounts of care for the rest of her life. What changed all of a sudden? With your spouse, you need to be more intentional. June 18, 2015, 2:09 pm. It will complicate your marriage more. Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. They talk about things, go out often, advise and help each other. You may have your husband because there are underlying differences you refused to settle. It also means you acknowledge these differences and align with them. Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. Hiring a maid or part time help. You probably hate him because he is flawed. Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. June 18, 2015, 2:01 pm. Raccoon eyes We were on the same page. FWIW I wouldnt want to live with either of my parents either, or take on the role of caregiver. I understand that she must have felt desperate, but shes calling out her MIL for having bad judgment (as a mother and grandmother), when it seems like the LWs judgment is questionable, too. Someone just left it carelessly, is all, and the configuration of the kitchen meant you could come around the corner without seeing it. Maybe a cut would have occured, but not anything as dramatic as the LW presents. If it was that awful, she should have put her foot down and moved before now. Raccoon eyes Hey, drama queen, I think you dropped your tiara. June 18, 2015, 10:39 am. My FIL (who has been divorced from my MIL for over 40 years) says hes on our side but that my husband made a promise to his mother and that makes it my promise too. How? Dont be so damn condescending just because you dont believe in how she parented 30 years ago or whenever. June 18, 2015, 10:26 am. I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. June 18, 2015, 8:22 am. Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? To begin with, when you hate your husband, it doesnt necessarily mean you have no feelings for them anymore. Her husband had cheated and understandably so, the wife was filled with rage and feelings of hatred. But in a marriage, couples may often feel like they hate each other. I have hatred and resentment towards him (from previous issues.. no cheating just disrespect) and tonight I decided I was DONE. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. Yeah, this is pretty horrible. It could be taking her to get her hair done, helping her clean up after her dog, doing yard work for her, etc. June 18, 2015, 9:56 am. It sounds like she has some assets so she probably would need to private pay but check out disability/elderly services with your county to see if there are local community based options to try and take some of the weight off of the caregiving which may make it more tolerable or help connect you with a care center for her if she is too unwell to live on her own again with sometimes help. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. They can come several times a week and help the MIL take a bath, wash her hair and change clothes. Why do I hate my husband? One day, she and I were talking about how babies get hiccups and I told her I used to give my oldest a little bit of water and she suggested to give a bit of honey to coat the babys throat!!!! Im just saying the tone at which people are responding to the LW is off. You probably thought everything would be rosy forever, but thats not true. Wow- LW sounds horrible and whiney, poor husband,he married his mother. June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. Its possible to dislike your husband and still love them simultaneously. Like LW has to be held responsible for a promise her husband made in his youth before he had the life experience to understand the possible ramifications. June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him.

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